Do you ever catch yourself thinking, “Here I go again”? Maybe you always end up with partners who seem emotionally unavailable. Or you find yourself constantly seeking reassurance, even in good relationships. Perhaps you pull away just when things start getting serious, or you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around the people you care about most.

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone—and there’s actually a reason behind these patterns.

Your Relationship Blueprint

Think of your early relationships, especially with caregivers, as creating a kind of blueprint for how relationships work. This blueprint operates mostly outside your conscious awareness, influencing who you’re drawn to, how you act when you feel threatened, and what you expect from others.

Psychologists call these patterns “attachment styles,” and understanding yours can be incredibly freeing. Suddenly, behaviors that felt confusing or self-sabotaging start to make sense.

The Four Patterns

Secure (about half of us): You generally feel comfortable getting close to others and don’t worry too much about being abandoned or hurt. You can ask for what you need and give your partner space when they need it.

Anxious (about 20% of us): You really want close relationships but often worry about whether people truly care about you. You might need frequent reassurance or feel panicked when someone pulls away, even temporarily.

Avoidant (about 25% of us): You value your independence and often feel uncomfortable when people get too close. You might have a hard time sharing feelings or feel suffocated when partners want more intimacy than feels natural to you.

Disorganized (about 5-10% of us): You want close relationships but they also feel scary or unpredictable. You might find yourself pushing people away right when you want them most, or feeling like your emotions are all over the place in relationships.

It’s Not Just About Dating

These patterns show up everywhere. At work, you might notice you either avoid asking for help (avoidant) or constantly seek approval (anxious). With friends, you might be the one who always reaches out first, or the one who’s hard to pin down for plans. Even the voice in your head—whether it’s critical or compassionate—often reflects these same patterns.

The Good News

Your attachment style isn’t your destiny. These patterns developed for good reasons—they helped you cope with your early environment. But if they’re not serving you now, they can change.

Research shows that our attachment patterns can shift through healing relationships. Sometimes that’s with a romantic partner, sometimes with friends, and often in therapy. The key is experiencing something different than what you learned to expect.

When to Seek Support

Consider reaching out if you notice you’re:

• Stuck in the same relationship cycle despite wanting something different
• Feeling overwhelmed by relationship anxiety or numbness
• Struggling to trust others or yourself in relationships
• Repeating patterns from your family of origin that you swore you’d avoid

You’re Not Broken

Understanding your attachment style isn’t about finding what’s wrong with you—it’s about understanding what makes sense about your responses. Your patterns developed for a reason. The question is whether they’re still helping you create the connections you want.

If you’re ready to explore these patterns and work toward the relationships that feel truly nourishing, therapy can provide a safe space to understand your blueprint and, if needed, draft a new one.

Remember: Awareness is the first step toward change. Simply recognizing these patterns can begin to shift them.

5 Everyday Ways Community Connection Boosts Your Mental Health

As a counselor, I often hear clients talk about feeling isolated or stuck in their routines. While therapy provides valuable support, some of the most powerful healing happens when we step outside our front doors and engage with the world around us. The good news? You don’t need to overhaul your entire life to experience the mental health benefits of community connection. Here are five simple ways your everyday activities can become sources of strength and well-being.

1. Turn Your Coffee Run into Connection Time

Instead of grabbing coffee and rushing back to your car, try spending a few extra minutes in the café. Strike up a conversation with the barista, chat with someone in line, or simply sit and people-watch while enjoying your drink. These brief interactions with familiar faces can become anchor points in your day, creating a sense of belonging and routine that supports mental stability. Regular customers often become an informal community, and there’s something comforting about being recognized and welcomed somewhere.

2. Join Group Fitness or Outdoor Activities

Whether it’s a yoga class, hiking group, adult sports league, or even just walking with neighbors, moving your body alongside others creates a double boost for mental health. Exercise releases endorphins while social connection reduces feelings of loneliness and stress. Don’t worry about being the most fit person there—most groups welcome all levels and you’ll find that shared struggle and encouragement create bonds quickly. Plus, having people expect to see you provides gentle accountability to keep showing up for yourself.

3. Become a Regular at Community Spaces

Pick a place that feels good to you—a library, bookstore, park, farmers market, or community center—and make it part of your routine. When you show up consistently, you start to recognize faces and build those low-key connections that add richness to daily life. Maybe you become the person who always says hello to the librarian or the one who pets everyone’s dogs at the park. These regular touchpoints create a sense of place and belonging that grounds us in our community.

4. Participate in Neighborhood Life

Small acts of neighborhood participation can significantly impact both your mental health and others’. This could be as simple as walking your dog and chatting with neighbors you encounter, participating in community clean-up days, or joining local Facebook groups where people share recommendations and look out for each other. When you know your neighbors and feel connected to your immediate environment, you create a safety net of familiar faces and mutual support.

5. Share Your Interests and Skills

Consider the things you already enjoy doing and find ways to do them with others. Love to cook? Join a cooking class or organize potluck dinners. Enjoy reading? Start or join a book club. Good with technology? Help seniors learn to use smartphones at the library. When you share what you’re passionate about, you meet like-minded people and experience the mental health boost that comes from feeling useful and valued.

Your Community is Waiting

Here’s what I want you to remember: your presence matters more than you think. Every time you choose connection over isolation, engagement over withdrawal, you’re not just improving your own mental health—you’re contributing to a community where others can thrive too.

You don’t need to be the most outgoing person in the room or commit to huge time investments. Start small. Pick one thing from this list that resonates with you and try it this week. Notice how it feels to be seen, to see others, to be part of something bigger than your daily routine.

Your mental health deserves the nourishment that comes from genuine human connection. Your community needs what you have to offer, even if it’s just your smile, your presence, or your willingness to show up. So go ahead—step outside your comfort zone just a little bit. The connections you make might surprise you, and the person you become through engaging with your community will definitely surprise you.

Your community is out there waiting. Go find your place in it.